FATHER

I would like to start this post called “Father” by saying that God has blessed me with the most amazing mother in the world…He pulled out all the stops in choosing her…I LOVE YOU MOM!

I become such mush when I see a dad taking care of his baby girl. He could walk by me in the mall pushing a stroller and I get tears in my eyes. And if I see it in a Hallmark commercial, forget it I’m toast. Crazy I’m not (well at least I don’t think I am) but crazy for the idea of a daddy being a daddy, yea definitely. Even better is seeing the little girl’s face light up when daddy loves on her. Coolest scene ever!

I’ve been reading this PDF called “Jesus' blueprint for prayer” and as usual He refers to God as Father and I thought… wow Father. Obviously I have read this term many times before, but for some reason this time it got my attention. I thought, I need to refer to God as Father. So the next time I started to pray, I started off “Dear Father” but it did not feel right to me. I really had to think about this. Then a couple of days later I read a story in the book I am reading “One Month to Live” about a father and his child, how much he loves his child, and how much our Father God loves us. And it hit me, I love God, but I just did not feel I could address Him as Father…why?

I have always seen the term Father in a derogatory way. And I would never want to feel that when I am speaking to God. You see, as children, my sister and I did not have the best experiences with our father. He was kind of on the absentee side. He was there, but not really. His favorite words are “I am who I am and you know me, I’m never going to change.” Through my adult eyes, I feel sorry for him and all that he missed out on. But my inner child seemed to always feel this small sense of regret that I never had a daddy. I always wondered what it would have been like to have that influence in my life. Would I have chosen relationships differently? Would I have been able to trust easier? Would I have been such a control freak? Who knows, but all of those things and my experiences so far have made me who I am.

Because of the yearning for my father, I had always had this big hole inside of me that I could never fill. My choices in men were never good for me and unfortunately each time I would get into a relationship, subconsciously I would expect that person to fill that gaping hole. And when they couldn’t (not that anyone person could), I would feel even emptier than before. I would even destroy the relationship without knowing why. Now trust me, although in most cases destroying those relationships was actually a good thing, each time I did it was more devastating to me than the last. I had this horrible loneliness and sense of failure that was eating me away.

What I didn’t realize is that only God can fill that hole. He is really all we need and everything else is secondary. This is not only something I know, this is something I feel. That hole is gone because my Heavenly Father has filled it. He really is the only One I need. But because of His filling that hole, I am no longer empty and I am free. Free to be the best Jena I can be for Him, free to forgive my dad and love him for who he is, after all God gave us each other for a reason. And I am free to love the Prince that my Heavenly Father will bring me when the time is right. HOW COOL IS THAT!!! Now I can say with all the love inside me…

Dear Father, thank you for all that you have blessed me with.